What is "Co-Regulation" & why is it essential?

What is "Co-Regulation"? To begin, I'd like to quote one of my teacher's teachers, Dr. Randolph Stone, when he said "energy is the real substance behind the appearance of matter & forms."

Through this energetic lens, "co-regulation" is when two or more beings come into a common, harmonic tone that then allows all to shift into a new state of greater coherence.

The effect: a state of Interconnectedness, Mutuality, and Well-Being.

While there is a felt-sense of union in this place of coherence, true co-regulation maintains distinction. "Here I am. There you are. Here we are simultaneously differentiated, together."

How co-regulation helps us move into these greater states of wellness has to do with the fact that, while we're here on earth in these human bodies, we are mammals with nervous systems that are wired for connection and touch.

As such, co-regulation is one of the most efficient ways, for all involved, to support our Autonomic (autonomic = automatic) Nervous Systems (ANS) in moving us into our "Window of Presence," as my teacher, Anna Chitty, calls it. (The "Window of Presence" is similar to the "Window of Tolerance" defined by interpersonal-neurobiologist Dr. Dan Siegel.)

How do you know if you are in this "Window of Presence"? Check in with these reflections: Do you feel safe right now in your body and environment? Does life feel manageable? Could you just as easily rest on the couch with a good book or take a quick jog around the block with a friend? (To be honest, I'm not the biggest jogging fan & I know a lot of people aren't 😅...nonetheless, speaking to this balanced state where sociable liveliness and sociable rest both feel accessible).

The "Window of Presence" is where we are truly in the moment of right here, right now, right where our bodies are physically located in space. Within this Window of Presence, there is a natural flow of energy, like a wave, that moves up and down. We have the energy we need for our daily activities, we can easily shift into restful states, and back again. In this window, we feel safe, social and capable.

Now, depending on our history, we might have a large, tiny or somewhere-in-between-sized Window of Presence/Tolerance. The size of this window equates to our physiological capacity in being able to handle life-stressors. Put differently, our ability to effectively navigate challenges has more to do with our body and nervous system than it does our intellect, no matter how savvy it may be. ;) (Permission to chill out on the affirmations in the mirror 😜 --- unless they are genuinely working for you.)

Enter the essentiality of Co-Regulation:

Developmentally we all experience co-regulation first, in the mother and baby dyad, and this sets the ground for the later ability to self-regulate.

As human beings, we need years of co-regulation (the first seven are especially important) in order to eventually and masterfully be able to self-regulate. John Chitty would say that we're like hitch-hikers on our parents' ANS while we're young. As children, our pre-frontal cortex isn't yet developed which aids in our ability to emotionally-regulate. Luckily, all we need is "good-enough" attunement / co-regulation and then that becomes internalized and gives our nervous systems a healthy, robust window (&/or capacity) to either self-regulate and/or continue to be able to co-regulate as adults, with flexibility between the two. (A topic for a different article: in my understanding, there is no such thing as self-regulation, not really. All self-regulation is some kind of co-regulation, it might just not be with a human being. Self-regulating could be co-regulating with a pet, with water if swimming does it for you, with music, with nature, with spirit. We're never not in relationship.)

For a lot of folks, it may have happened that they didn't receive enough supportive touch or correct mirroring from their caregivers, leaving them less skilled in the healthy self-regulating department. This is not to blame anyone's caregivers in any way. All of us are always doing the best we can and these ruptures in connection can come from long lines of generational and social patterns. Generally speaking, almost every parent alive today, and all human beings, could use way more support.

So how do we create families and communities that are more mutually supportive for all? (That, too, is a topic for a different article that I do not claim to know the answers to but like to co-imagine solutions.)

There can be a myriad of ways we soothe that aren't ideal but have been brilliant strategies to help get us by, whether numbing out, keeping distracted, over-caffeinating, drugs & alcohol, co-dependency, the list goes on. We don't need to force away any of these strategies, nor shame them, for again if we had more resources of support, of course we'd choose differently!

Subsequently, when we didn't receive adequate co-regulation growing up, there can be some resistance, clinging or awkwardness around it in later years. A few examples -- Let's say you experienced a smothering closeness, where there wasn't that necessary space for you to still be you, this can become an imprint in one's nervous system and so it makes so much sense distrust would arise around receiving this kind of support. On the other end of the spectrum, perhaps neglect was your experience. Maybe all of your material-survival needs were met, but emotional intimacy and safe, affectionate touch weren't a daily or even weekly staple. Maybe there was touch, but something about it was mis-attuned, painful or unpredictable. This could also result in resistance around touch while also craving it. If there was abuse (whether physical, verbal/emotional, psychological), there can be panic and terror within the body. The body can create its own prickly shield for no one to get past. All of this is intelligent.

The good news for anyone reading this who is actively parenting: attachment research has shown it actually only takes 33% of "good-enough" attunement from a parent for a little one to develop a secure way of relating.

More good news: if you didn't receive that, this re-patterning can still happen in adulthood !

Again, this isn't about judging anyone's parents as not good-enough. We must take into account the collective, historical context. A lot of our ancestors, not even that many generations ago, had a great deal of their energy focused into survival. Literal survival. They deserve our gratitude.

If none of the above examples describe you, "co-regulation" might just be a clunky, sciencey-sounding term for something your body already effortlessly knows how to do with others. Yay!

So, how do we co-regulate?

It involves being present with one another. That might sound simple but in our day and age there are so many things vying for our attention. While you don't need to be narrowly focused on the other, it'd be nice to turn off the television, put the phone on airplane mode, and look around the space you're in. Since true co-regulation isn't a merged state, it's helpful to feel your own sit bones on whatever surface you're on. You could feel into the back-side of your body, and rest back into the grounded-neutrality of the bones in your spine. Feel into your own center. This is especially relevant for whomever is serving as the more supportive role. In secure, adult-to-adult relationships, there is a natural turn-taking of roles. "Sometimes you hold me, sometimes I hold you." As interdependent beings, this is where we begin to taste mutuality: in the giving we are receiving, in the receiving we are giving. Since touch sets off the healing hormone of oxytocin & our mammalian bodies are wired for it, it's a simple way to bring about coherence. It could look like sitting next to your friend. No agenda other than sitting in presence with each other. A little side-body arm and shoulder contact. Sitting back-to-back can feel especially supportive when each person allows themself to fully lean into the other (so neither is having to work to hold the other up). It could look like a foot massage or holding the other's heels, maybe their sacrum or head. It's touch that doesn't need anything from us. While this article may make it sound more difficult than it is, it's innate in us. Have we gotten far away from healthy, platonic touch in modern society? Kind of. Did the pandemic help? No. Regardless, we all know how to do it. So try it out with someone you feel safe with. Nothing needs to be wrong, either, to enjoy co-regulation. It can simply be pleasurable. Like a kitty cuddled up purring on your belly. That's the feeling of it.

Photo by Michele Pevide